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CNN In Big Trouble; Viewership Still Plummeting

Get out the popcorn.

We really shouldn’t be laughing over the grave of the soon to be dead. But common notions of decency give us a waiver when it comes to CNN. Gregg Gutfeld agrees.

Gutfeld: It’s time for … NARRATOR: CNN Death Clock Countdown…So, where to start? How’s CNN+ doing? Yeah, not good. What do you expect? It was based on a premise that people who like CNN would spend money on CNN+. Problem is: There are no people who like CNN.

It’s on at airports for the same reason there are uncomfortable chairs — to get you to leave. Everyone hates CNN, including people who work there, their relatives, their pets. One day, Brian Stelter came home to find his two cats, Krispy and Kreme, had taken their own lives by OD’ing on catnip. On the TV? “Reliable Sources.”

These days, working at CNN isn’t something you brag about. It’d be like someone gloating that they’re the executive chef at Bennigan’s. Who would want anyone to know you work at CNN? Well, unless you’re trying to pick up Bette Midler — that’s how I got a hernia.

Inside, the place has the vibe of a prison yard on lockdown after a three-day race riot. Who knows who will shiv you next? My money is on [Jeanne Moos]. Remember her? She was great. So how could you expect diehards to come to CNN+ when they don’t even have any die-softs?

Then…CNN execs figured viewers already had a lot of time for CNN+ since they weren’t watching CNN. That’s pretty smart. Former media editor Jon Nicosia reports that tensions between some talent and producers are higher than Snoop eating a bag of Doritos on the roof of a dispensary.

I did the math and it depressed me. If I got paid what CNN talent got paid per view, I’d be living in a mansion made of smaller mansions and inside each one, a Barbie dream house. So it’s a media platform with under 10,000 people. For perspective, do you know what gets more than 10,000 people?

YouTube channels on knitting get 100 times what CNN+ is getting. YouTube channels on proper flossing — same thing, and it’s just videos of people flossing. I can’t get enough of it.

“Dog took a crap and I posted it on YouTube” would do better and not get paid a grand per turd unless Germans bought the network. So sadly, CNN staffers are bracing for layoffs and budget cuts. Which, to me, sounds like a pretty big opportunity for Elon.

While he’s waiting on Twitter, he should scoop up CNN like the dog turd that it is and turn it into something useful, like a Jiffy Lube or a Buffalo Wild Wings, or maybe a channel that covers news instead of creating it.

Think about that. What if CNN was a news channel? Oh, but then what do they do with other recent hires like Jamal Hill or Rex Chapman? One is a breathless race-baiter, and the other tricks CNN into thinking he doesn’t just steal videos on Twitter. I guess they go to headline news where the rest of their talent goes to die. They should call it headstone news.

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